running after God
It’s daunting, how easily we are gripped by fear; without even knowing it our minds are hung up by the lies of our dismayed hearts. Our feet walk one direction as our eyes look another. We desire and crave as silently as angst commands. It tends to lie naked and confident; longing to demolish any chance of ignorance left inside our bodies and holds us as stone-
The disheartening matter, though, is the deadly lull. How can you fight something you’re not quite sure exists? I have found a way to desperately love something, and recently caught a glimpse of the terror that comes with it. How is that possible?
I believe I am wired around a love for the outdoors; the fresh air, raging rivers, bouldering cliffs, dirt, mud, rain, everything that makes up nature because that is where I feel God moving. But the destination, the road to get there, the unknown and the uncertainty have the power to stop me in my tracks. I could be 5 miles from my destination and within seconds be overwhelmed with the idea that I am not safe and long for the comfort of my roof and walls and locks. I didn’t know the strength of this anxiety until recent, and now that I recognize it, I see it quietly ruling my life.
God calls us to step out of our comfort zones, to dive into the reality of evil and sin because trusting in Him is the only safe zone that matters. I have continuously prayed for God to intervene with my life, to uproot my human nature and change my heart to see like His. That is a lot of depth in one constant prayer, and sometimes my excitement to see, know and learn outruns God’s plan for my heart. So he forces me to slow down, and decipher the inner workings that He so intimately maps out for each of us.
My fear of harm, being lost, and unmet expectations has a root- and that is not wholly trusting my life in God’s hands. When I am tucked in the amenities and contentment of my own home it is easy for me to believe “God’s got me.” So when my heart is running, full throttle for the next trail, the next cliff and atmosphere to be a part of, there is a part of my soul that is shaking in panic. Every single time I burst through that emotion I end up thanking the Lord for where He has brought me and the land He has created; yet the next adventure my burden crawls back.
Simply put, it never fails- I will always need God for shielding, loving and guiding me through life. There will never come a day that I do not need Him, that I am perfect, or complete, for I am only those things in the grace of God, but never without.
I will continue bolting after nature, giddy and hopeful and pray through the fear that cripples in. But cripples, as in broken, weak, and nothing compared to the repairing and enabling power of God.
Matthew 14:28-31 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water. He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”