When God held me through the pain

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Guest post by: Lydia Woods

My whole life all wanted was to be a wife and a mum. I've known that was my calling since I was in high school. It was Godly and the desire of my heart. 

Instead of getting some fancy degree and a mega student loan, after high school I decided I wouldn't go to college but would do an inexpensive course and train to be a nanny. I thought that kind of experience would be so useful when I finally became a mum. 

Over the next 4 years I met my  husband. We were married in November 2014 and were on top of the world in love!

Only three months after our wedding we both decided it was time to start trying for a baby. One week after that decision some friends told us they were pregnant. I thought that was great because we would be pregnant at the same time! But unfortunately, things didn't turn out quite how we planned them.

Months went by and a bunch of health issues started to pop up. This is where my wrestling with the Lord began. 

Very soon my friend gave birth to her beautiful daughter and I still wasn't pregnant. 

I was diagnosed with PCOS, Endometriosis, uterine polyps and unexplained constant uterine bleeding. It was a really tough time. I was scheduled for surgery and had the operation in January of 2016, about 11 months into our journey towards parenthood.

If you are part of a church body with lots of young married couples you will know that there are babies and pregnancy announcements everywhere you look. This was no different for us and it really wore me down. 
 

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More months went by and I continued to wrestle with God about why He didn't want to bless me and make me a mother. My faith was really wavering. 

In 2016 my 5 closest friends all became engaged at once. I had married a few years earlier than them and they were all catching up with me. I'm ashamed to say it, but as each of my friends got engaged I cried. I knew this meant that soon they'd all start having babies. I was 2 years into my struggle with infertility and I couldn't handle the thought of being around their precious children while I was still childless. 

Sure enough straight away one of my best friends fell pregnant... accidentally. It crushed me. 

I became so bitter and angry. I thought God was doing this to me on purpose. It felt like He was deliberately trying to hurt me! After years of struggling without reward, how could He add this extra blow of her accidentally getting pregnant and me having to hear about it almost daily. She accidentally got what I had desperately wanted it. 

I've always struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 11 years old. These circumstances made me plummet deeper into my depression than I had ever been before. I still occasionally went to church so that my friends wouldn't pester me about it, but in my heart I had left God. I no longer wanted anything to do with this Creator who was only bringing sadness to my life. 

My emotional state kept getting worse until I realized my thoughts were getting dark. Suicide actually became an option for me. I thank the Lord I never tried it, but the thoughts were there. Everyday. 

My husband and I decided to move to the country. Get a fresh start out in the tiny rural area we had both lived in as kids. It was a good move. Over time I began to feel closer to normal again.

All too soon it was time for my friend's baby to be born. As I held that sweet little girl in the hospital I felt my heart breaking. Little did I know I was 2 weeks pregnant. 

When I found out I was pregnant I was overwhelmed with excitement and love for my little baby growing inside me. When I told my husband he fell to the ground and cried. We had fought for this baby for 3 long years. Finally God has given us this child. 

From the moment we knew we were expecting we were both convinced our baby was a boy. We so wanted a little boy and made plans to find out the gender at 20 weeks to see if our guess was right. 

We told our friends and family early and at 12 weeks we publicly told people were expecting. It was around this time I started feeling the urge to really get back into God's word. I was craving God with all my heart. I think He knew I was going to need His word to get me through the times that were right around the corner.

At 14 weeks I started bleeding and he was born at almost 15 weeks on Valentine's day 2018. Our perfect, tiny baby boy. 
 

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God held me the whole time I was experiencing the pains of miscarriage. Not just the excruciating physical pain of labor, but all the emotional pain of losing my beloved son who I had longed for 3 years to hold. As bad as the physical pain was, the emotional pain was and is much worse. It's a trauma I will never fully get over. 

But God met me where I was. I was full of grief but He was full of love. 

1 John 4:9 says “we love because He first loved us.” Since the time we lost our son we have felt that in every way. We received food, cards, flowers, prayers and so much support. All of the love we were shown was an expression of His love towards us. Not for one second were we alone. 
 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." 
~ Isa 43:1-2

“The earth, O LORD, is full of your steadfast love; teach me Your statutes.
~ Psalm 119:64


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About the author

Lydia is a daughter of God, a wife and a mum to a baby boy born too soon. In the ups and downs of life, no matter how difficult it gets she is always trying to give and receive His love.

Website: The Evergreen Woods

Instagram: @theevergreenwoods


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